Will you swallow poison? She asked, her voice filled with anger, and I replied, “Yes,” and then I swallowed the poison.
Every day in life is important, but there are some days that we always cherish in our best memories. April 11th is one of those days in my life.
When she first appeared before me, there were no breezes blowing, no bells ringing, and no music playing. She came into my life just like those other girls, where your heartstrings remain normal. Yes, but I didn’t know that like those other girls, this girl coming into my life would change my life completely.
Every day with her was extremely beautiful; we talked about everything, tried to make our lives easier instead of making them more difficult. The purpose was to feel a sense of contentment with each other, where our hearts respected each other and there was no other relationship.
But slowly, I began to feel that whether I wanted it or not, I started thinking about her. And even knowing that this was the path of love where walking would not be easy at all. Many times I stopped myself, explained, but perhaps the relationship of liking was starting from both sides. People say that love should be seen with ease, but when you act on ease, it’s not called love. Nothing is thought in love, and hearts are not given too many interpretations. It just happens that where breezes blow, silence brings music, and the scorching hot afternoons of June and July turn into December-like months.
Then one evening, she became upset with me about something. I called her to tell her that dissatisfaction doesn’t occur between us, so it was necessary to appease her, and I asked her, “Will you have tea?” She replied in the same dissatisfied tone, “Swallow poison.” I don’t know why, at that moment, saying this, she seemed so much like herself that I made a decision in my heart that I cannot stop this love anymore, nor can I keep it in my heart, so just strengthening my heart, I said to her, and then I swallowed the poison.
Love is a relationship, not a prison. Many of us think of it as a prison where they feel that love is a restraint and a commitment. It’s never like that; there are no restraints, no restrictions. But yes! There is a lot of fear, a lot of apprehension, and whatever restrictions and restraints there are, it’s just because somewhere we fear losing this relationship. Just like a child who holds his toy close to his chest fearing he might lose it somewhere. Yes, but there is no regret, no regrets for any action, any decision, any matter, no sorrow. Where we all hope to be good somewhere, somewhere there is also written bad, and after bad, hope for good again, this is what teaches us love.
She was not a little girl; she could take care of herself. But I always enjoyed thinking about her, caring for her, delighting in her smallest daily tasks. She would always be upset about this and would tell me that I’m not a little girl who can’t take care of herself. But I always keep thinking about her while listening to her. Doing all this gives me happiness from the heart. And anyway, to be a Taj Mahal is not necessary for happiness, but even a moment can be much happier than the Taj Mahal. Yes, that girl has given me countless moments that will remain in my entire life.
One thing always bothered her that I liked giving her gifts on every occasion, on her every birthday, on any special day. And for some reason, she would sometimes become dissatisfied with it. I always felt that whenever I’m not in her life, things related to me will always remind her of my absence. And now the occasions pass, special days also pass, but now I don’t have the courage to give her any gift. I buy it and keep it with me in case someday…
But then there came a time when she didn’t need me, nor did love. She was always mischievous, always trying to annoy me, her best pastime was to irritate me to no end. And I never got tired of her mischief, never stopped her. It’s different that I never knew that these mischiefs would one day become beautiful memories for me. She became more understanding, and with understanding, she realized that I was like a tree in the path of life where a person rests for a while, but as soon as tiredness ends, the journey begins again. For her, my being was never such that she felt I was ever important to her, yes, but she has always been an important part of my being.
Now it’s just waiting for the poison again… Hope for her return. I know such hopes are never fulfilled except in miracles, and miracles are not possible between me and humans. And anyway, the pair of our ages is no longer there, what was left was slowly ending with life. Nevertheless, this page of my diary is based on beautiful moments and memories starting from April 11th, where I just want to convey this feeling to myself that she is still with me. Now she doesn’t want to see me or talk to me. I wish she knew that understanding oneself is the hardest thing in the world.
People should not love, and if they do, they should not express it at least. Because by making someone feel their love, due to some compulsion, they leave them and put them in a state of suffering that never diminishes. Love is not a time-bound relationship… Love is that where even in a crowd of people, if she is not there, you feel her absence in that crowd, and your eyes only search for that one person who didn’t just love to spend time but had made a heartfelt intention to walk together on every path of life.
The love for you in my heart was placed by God, and if your love for me has ended, then God must have done it, and the thing that God ends, no question, if, but, alas, remains, but weeks, months, or years later, the lack of someone like me will surely trouble you from inside and then there will be no patience. One day everyone has to be patient with their loss, just as I am enduring your turning away today.
